And now I get to update you.
We’ll start with the deepest cut. Waldemar and I are no longer together. After 3 years together, we came to a close. For the best of course. Naturally, it was painful, it still is some days - but we’re both on our own healing journey.
Which means for me means, I need to run away.
Initial plans were to settle here in the DMV; however, now with the end of the relationship. I’ve nothing binding me here, on a personal level. My military career is the only thing keeping me here for now, and even that relationship is changing as well.
To be quite honest, a lot of me is changing.
I’ve taken a greater focus on my health as I’ve started to work out more and maintain consistency. Which I hope to continue forever.
For a long time, I think I’ve been lost. Lost and self-isolated, keeping myself from the things I love and unfortunately from growing as well. I feel like at some point in the relationship we decided to forgo being our own individuals and began to become codependent. Which, in hindsight, is probably the worst thing we could have done for one another.
But it’s hard to not fall into that when every waking moment, you’re together - maybe I’ll dive into this later, or maybe that’s all you get - either way, I’m venting.
And now I’m journaling again. This is day one, but still. Effort is effort and I’m going to start appreciating myself and remind myself to allow the self-deprecating voices to come and then pass.
After the split, I began to read again. Well, audiobook, but that counts. The most notable and recent of which is “Why Buddhism Is True” by Robert Wright. I’m only a few chapters in, but I’m intrigued. The meditation and hypocrisy in it’s understanding is as far as I’ve gotten. And I say hypocrisy, when I mean it’s conflicting ideas to practice. Example: meditation is; that’s it, it simply is what it is. But to do it means you’re obviously successful at meditating. But because there is no success or failure in meditating because it simply is, it is neither good or bad, it just is. So you can’t be successful at meditating, even though you technically are since you’re doing it, but you’re not because meditation simply is.
I love it.
I’ve also restarted to post on instagram. For 2021, I was posting at least weekly, doing a photo dump and just cataloging everything that I could with what I was doing. And I loved it. But 2022 came around, and I simply stopped.
I intended on continuing the practice, but I set myself up with a defined goal and completion. Which meant, when it was done, it was done. And after that, I literally didn’t post again until a year and a half later. (which is now) But jesusfuck. What was I doing with myself?
Anyhow, I think I’ll pause here for now. To be continued. Hopefully, daily. Let’s see if I could do it daily. Who knows.