Triptych.

6 months ago I moved into this new apartment, took advantage of the floor to ceiling windows for all the light it is able to capture, the spacious size at a brilliant price, the comfortability of a safe commute; however, I’m unsettled. As the ivies grow, the more I feel the need to uproot myself.

At certain points in my life when I feel myself settling, something inside me stirs, muddies the water inside.

I need to move. I’m fine, I’m good, really; but I’m not meant to be here. The city is wondrous, the view I have is of more sky than I’ve ever had before, yet I can’t imagine myself living here for more than the signed lease.

I need to meditate more.

February.

Life Update:

Critical Care/Emergency Trauma Nurse Fellowship Completed
CCRN Certification obtained
Traveled from Scottsdale, AZ to Bethesda, MD driving roughly 2,000 miles in order to find myself right in the middle of Winter here on the East coast.

These past few months I’ve neglected self reflection and have been focusing entirely on my move, studying for my certification exam, and I ended up falling for a man in Scottsdale - naturally with the worst timing possible.

First and foremost, the year long fellowship has come to a close. 6 weeks of in class studying, 3 months of case studies and graded clinicals, then followed by external rotations into different units, then finally developing into an independent ICU Nurse in which I was taking patient’s independently. The course can be described and fit into a few sentences, but it was so much more than that.

The culmination of those didactic courses, case studies, and external rotations allowed me to advance myself in my knowledge and confidence far beyond my expectations. When the time came to begin studying for the CCRN examination to certify myself, I began my studying and also ended up stumbling into a boy whom I didn’t anticipate falling for as hard as I did.

In my personal life, I’ve struggled with allowing myself to fall into anyone and maintained a certain aloofness to ensure that I didn't fall into anything, mostly due to the fact that my rotation through the area was only set for a year, and following the end of the year would mean my move from one side of the country to the opposite. So of course, at the end of the year, I ended up finding a boy whom I really ended up enjoying, shared interests, shared attraction, shared body contact.

And I couldn’t be more thankful for having found him. He was as enticed by me as I was by him and it came to allow me to open myself up a bit and share with him that I’m very recently divorced. Something I didn’t readily share with everyone, especially men whom I encounter due to it typically leaving me feeling a little more insecure about myself more than anything.

With him, it wasn’t an initial talk at first. It occurred over a dinner we went to together, which I brought myself to casually share with him. Sharing this with him, he didn’t act entirely off guard, nor did he judge by any means. He was genuinely interested in my story. And that, that was relieving.

We slept together, watched films, napped, and shared each other with one another for a brilliant period of time. I let myself become a little more vulnerable, allowed myself to open up, and wasn’t let down. In a heartbeat, I’d do it again.

Finally, my CCRN Certification time began to come forward. I scheduled for the exam, located my testing center, entered as uncertain as I could, walked out with my unofficial passing score. I feel that at that moment is when I finally felt the culmination of all my resilience truly show. From having separated my ex-husband, moving myself into a new studio on my own, being divorced in the middle of my fellowship, learning to love myself, and being enrolled in an extremely competitive program truly allowed me to self reflect how fucking phenomenal I really can be.

Anyhow, I think this is all I have to share for now.

Muse.

This past weekend, my tattoo artist, Angel came to visit me in Scottsdale.

Background: Angel has been the only person to tattoo me (aside from my first simple tattoo on my left forearm, which he proceeded to entirely redo and claim as his own), he’s also known me since before I left for the military. Over time we developed a unique relationship, which he deems us muses. We are muses to one another, we are not simply friends, but we are not lovers. We’re in the fine grey space between those two.

This unique visit had him travel to myself, versus the opposite. As we put one another under a microscope and took a step back to view the other’s life, we shared our insights with one another. Note, these are observations, sometimes advice, but always constructive.

He expressed his view of my tension as a whole, my sullen tunnel vision, and brilliance I’ve developed into while being on my own.

Due to this, I need to refine myself once more. For myself. This is all I have for now.